This mailbag episode features three foreigners whose problems all trace back to their Filipina partner's mother: a braless live-in mother-in-law, a mother who accidentally revealed her daughter's past as a bar girl, and a mother-in-law who sabotaged condoms. Pea gives each man her blunt read on what's really going on and how to handle it, including the cultural concept of "losyang" and her "two island rule."
Email 1: Arjun in Cebu City, the braless mother-in-law
- The situation
- Arjun is 52 and retired; his wife is 29 and works in the city, so he's home alone at their condo a lot
- His mother-in-law Jocelyn is staying with them for a few months while her house is being fixed. They've always gotten along
- Jocelyn is 48, still attractive, educated, speaks fluent English, and is "not like your typical Lola from the province"
- About two weeks ago she walked into the kitchen in a very thin white top with obviously no bra ("She doesn't really need a bra, but that's beside the point"). He assumed she didn't realize. By the time his wife got home she had changed
- A few days later she was at the fridge in a long baggy sleep shirt with thin straps and nothing underneath. When she turned to ask if he wanted juice, one breast came completely out of her top. He admits he looked "really just for a second." She didn't react at all and kept talking
- It only happened when his wife wasn't home, so he started wondering if it was a test of whether he'd tell his wife or keep quiet because he was secretly enjoying it ("which I guess I kind of was")
- He decided the safe move was to mention it casually and joked that her mom must be "allergic to bras." His wife was instantly furious, accused him of lusting after her mother and making it up, and didn't speak to him for two days. There's still anger in her eyes whenever he tries to defend himself
- He's considering taking a picture next time as proof
- Pea's response
- "You guys and your fascination with boobies. Boobies, boobies, boobies."
- On the picture: she strongly advises against it. But if he does take one, he must show his wife immediately. If she finds it on his phone herself, he might prove he was telling the truth but he'll "never convince your wife that you didn't take that picture for your spank bank"
- The cultural explanation is called losyang: a woman feels she's past her prime and doesn't see herself in a sexual way anymore, so what she wears doesn't matter. Even in their 40s, Filipinas may walk around braless because "we're pretty sure that Filipino men don't want to look anymore"
- It's more common with older provincial women, but Jocelyn may simply feel comfortable around him and not be thinking about it
- Even if she is doing it on purpose, she may just want to feel attractive and prove she can still get a man to look. Pea says that's not appropriate, but it wouldn't surprise her
- Either way it's a no-win with his wife. Drawing attention to it just makes everyone mad at each other, and for what? It's a temporary living arrangement and she'll be gone soon
- "Don't make mountains out of two little molehills." Her advice: "Enjoy the show and let it go."
Email 2: Jeremy in Tagbilaran, Bohol, the secret bar girl past
- The situation
- Jeremy has lived with his girlfriend for a little over two years and, following Pea's advice, has been trying to learn everything about her before considering marriage ("Good man")
- She seemed shy and introverted, said she'd only dated a few guys, and came across as a traditional provincial girl. Nothing had ever made him doubt that
- On a visit to her mother, the two started in English and then switched to Bisaya as usual while he played on his phone. After two years he understands enough Bisaya to follow a simple conversation, which her mother didn't know
- The mother mentioned a place her daughter used to work, a name he'd never heard. His girlfriend looked worried and immediately changed the subject
- He looked it up: a bar "where they have girls you can rent for a few hours." She had told him her only job was at her aunt's laundry business
- When confronted, she admitted working there but said she only cleaned tables and helped in the kitchen, and that she hid it because she knew what he'd think. His reaction: "Yeah, right"
- He now believes she was a bar girl for hire (in the email he calls her both his girlfriend and his wife), feels the rug was pulled out from under him, is sad and angry, and feels like getting on a plane home
- Pea's response
- She's very sorry and says she can feel his pain in the email
- It's possible she really just cleaned tables, but Pea doubts it. Her nervousness and the quick change of subject tell Pea she's deeply ashamed of something
- Regardless, saying she only worked at a laundry means she definitely lied
- What to do is his call. Can he be with someone who used to be a bar girl? Can he forgive her for lying?
- She acknowledges every guy listening is screaming at him to "dump her ass," that there are plenty of other women and why would he want someone "that's been run through more times than a kid's playground"
- But before deciding he should ask himself: What did he love about her, and is that person still in there? Is he afraid she'll go back to working at a bar? Did she maybe only do it because she felt she had to? Is she forever ruined?
- Her main advice: don't make a final decision while emotional. "Use your head before using your heart," because the head usually makes the best decisions. "And yes, I'm talking about your big head."
- She asks him to write back and tell her what happens
Email 3 (the "main event"): Duke in Tarlac, the sabotaged condoms
- The situation
- Duke married "the most amazing woman I've ever laid eyes on" a year ago and has no complaints. "Anyone who says don't marry a Filipina just hadn't met the right one yet"
- They want at least one kid but first want some honeymoon time alone
- His mother-in-law won't stop pushing for babies right now, says waiting a whole year is "unnatural," and brings it up every single day. She lives right next door; they live in a family compound and Duke and his wife are "smack dab in the middle of it"
- They came home from the pharmacy and left the bag on the kitchen counter while they went out back to move some fencing. When Duke came back in, his mother-in-law was holding the box of condoms she'd pulled from the bag. She stuffed it back when she saw him and didn't look happy
- A day or two later, in the mood, he felt a little bump on a condom wrapper. Under the light he saw a pinhole poked through the center
- He was "madder than a mule chewing on bumblebees," and not just because he wasn't getting any that night. His wife was even angrier than he was when he showed her
- By morning his wife had decided a talk with her mom would fix everything. Duke didn't agree: "That woman almost changed the course of our lives." He confronted his mother-in-law with three sabotaged condoms and she denied everything
- His wife won't back him up because she doesn't want to fight with her mom. Every discussion ends with her crying, him feeling guilty for being angry, then angry for feeling guilty
- Pea's response
- She thought she'd heard it all, but this is a new one, and she doesn't blame him at all
- First step: tell the mother-in-law she's no longer welcome in the home until he decides how to handle it. She'd even change the locks to show how serious he is
- His biggest problem will be his wife, because "a Filipino family is almost impossible to separate, no matter what horrible thing one of us does." Still, he needs to get her to see it his way
- The two island rule: never live closer than two islands away from her family, because it tends to degrade your quality of life. Living next door to her mom is going to be hell, and he already knows it
- His wife is probably fine living there, but he can use this near-disaster as the perfect example of why they need to move "before somebody ends up getting hurt." If she cares about the relationship she should seriously consider it
- Alternatively, he can eventually laugh about it and get revenge by sending the future kid over to grandma's whenever it's had too much sugar
- For now, keeping her out of the house and getting some distance comes first so he can clear his head
- "Please, send me a birth announcement, unless it's already in the mail"
Sign-off and outro gag
- Plug for her Patreon, where she chats with members daily and posts at least one exclusive video a week
- Lifeguard bit: she keeps you from "drowning in a sea of doubt" about life in the Philippines, until something turns up in the pool. "Everyone out of the pool... we're going to have to get a hazmat crew in here... Which one of you subscribers did that?"
